


My Color Hidden With a Smile

by moon1ightknight



Category: Lost in Translation (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Just 1k words of depression really, Song used is Blue & Grey by BTS, Songfic, The rest of Mayhem is vaguely referenced, angst no comfort, bts - Freeform, but only if you squint really, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:55:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27874942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moon1ightknight/pseuds/moon1ightknight
Summary: A songfic to Blue & Grey by BTS: Essentially, a reflection on mental health.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 19





	My Color Hidden With a Smile

**Author's Note:**

> I stayed up until 1:30am writing this because I was feeling sad. If you squint you'll just see me taking my own thoughts and feelings and applying it to the contetxt of Jaewon's life. 
> 
> The lyrics in italics are from Blue & Grey by BTS.

_ The end of the day _

_ Someone come and save me, please _

_ A weary sigh of a tiring day _

The clock ticked silently to midnight, heard by only one awake soul in the deathly silent dorm. A boy stared numbly into a fogged bathroom mirror, arms braced against the sink and eyes blinking blankly. His hands gripped the counter so hard that his knuckles turned white and, well-

Maybe that was the only thing in the room not tainted with a horrid, painful red. 

_ Everything  _ was red. 

His heart, his hair, his skin, the counter, and eyes tired and tender from crying: all different shades, but an undeniably nauseating painting composed only of red. The room was flooded with the pain resulting from the burning of such a fairy color: the color, an existence made of flame. A wild element, burning everything in its path and leaving no survivors: and yet, a delicate thing, easily snuffed out. 

Everything you could see was red, and his soul-

Well, if it existed, I guess that’s not something you could see. 

_ I guess everyone's happy _

_ Can you look at me? 'Cause I am blue and grey _

_ The meaning of the tears reflected in the mirror _

_ My color hidden with a smile, blue and grey _

The red-haired boy had learned to think of his life in a metaphor of colors, an existence defined only by what the light illuminated. What shone under the light, what the brightness allowed everyone to see, was what only fell on the visible light spectrum: bright, vivid colors- painful reds, angry and harsh; the rest of the rainbow, full of a spectrum of colors, belonged to the other three sleeping souls that occupied the dorm building. 

And when the light didn’t shine- well, that was the rest of his existence. Muted shades of black and grey, encompassing and inescapable. Sometimes a shred of light, a playful, cruel tendril, would seep in and everything would momentarily become a deep, slate grey. Some semblance of hope and yet still a reminder of pain. Without a source to sustain it, the flicker was snuffed out quicker than even the weakest flame. 

When the lonely boy was in this room, alone in the darkness as everyone else slept, his true color was apparent; the hopeless, muted shades. 

But when he stepped out and became visible to the world, he put on a smile and became the color that now surrounded him: painful, violent red. 

_ I don't know where it went wrong _

_ Since my youth, I've had a blue question mark in my head _

_ Maybе that's why I've been living so fiercely _

_ But whеn I look back, I'm all by myself _

It was impossible to say when and how he had ended up like this. 

It had started as a small concession, an allowance. He could bend his will once, betray himself to stay loyal to those that really mattered. Just once, and they’d all be better off. 

Most of his life had fallen under that principle, really. 

The first time he agreed to apologize for a misunderstanding that became a scandal rather than explaining himself. 

The first time he agreed to actively walk into a scandal, as all his muscles ached with regret before he even had actions to regret. 

The first time he had found himself spending late nights in this room, allowing the color red to find new brushstrokes to make on the painting that was his life. 

A small concession: just this once. 

But of course, just once became over and over- bumps in the road became hills became mountains, until he was faced with an unclimbable wall on all sides of him: he had trapped himself brick by brick, and only noticed as the last brick blocked out the sunlight. 

He had built this brick house for the people around him, for safety and for love and for ambition, but instead he ended up isolated within the cold walls. 

_ How am I so regretful? _

_ Or is it just me, one that loneliness gave birth to _

_ I still don't know, the ferocious blue _

_ I hope I don't erode away, I'll find the exit _

Sometimes, Jaewon thought he regretted ending up here. Surrounded by loneliness, the walls around him casting his world in a blue so dark that it was essentially black. A ferocious blue that ate one’s soul. 

Yes, he regretted it sometimes. 

Sometimes, he considered finding a way out. A way to escape the world of colors entirely; away from the blue and grey, and away from the harsh crimson. Surely, there had to be an exit. 

Sometimes, he allowed this regret to whittle away his resolve until there was nothing inside him. 

Until surely, one day, the absence of existence would break him. 

_ Oh, this ground feels so heavier _

_ I am singing by myself _

_ I just wanna be happier _

_ Am I being too greedy? _

What he regrets most, though, isn’t sacrificing himself to help those around him. He’s given them everything, and he’d continue to give them everything, if it just meant that he got to see their happiness grow along with Mayhem’s success. 

What he regrets is that he’s given everything, and yet he still hasn’t given enough. 

There’s nothing left inside him, and yet they’re still not anywhere near where Mayhem aspires to be. They aren’t a household name, save for warnings and examples for how not to behave. They don’t go on world tours to see fans, they don’t sell out signings. They’re still in debt, and they still have a long ways to go before reality can catch up with ambition. 

And so, with this in mind, he continues to give, even when everything has already been taken. 

He just wished it could be enough someday. 

He just wished that someday he could see the glowing smiles of his group mates and join them in their joy-

And, well. Keeping onto that wish was just greed that held him back, so he gave that away too. 

_ After secretly sending my words up into the air _

_ Now I fall asleep at dawn, good night. _


End file.
